to blog about soccer in the past week or so. And, like, two
or three people a day will glance at this. I'm wasting my life.
OK. Soccer must be a great game. Captivates billions. And
its egalitarian. You don't need to be 6' 9" or 280 pounds
to play. You can have the dimensions of a regular normal person
and excel. Its just a matter of speed, agility, and practice,
practice, practice.
Is the game in the end better than basketball or NFL football?
I dunno. One's perception on this is likely highly culturally
bound. I was hanging out on London for several months and
spending a lot of time in pubs watching the Premiership
League and soccer-viewing became fairly captivating. Back in the
states seven years later I can't remember why I found it all so
compelling. But I did. Funny story... one of my first evenings
hanging out in London I was at this gigantic pub in Muswell
Hill called the Church... the NFC championship game between
the Vikings and the Falcons (I think) had gone into overtime.
Out of nowhere, someone up front switches channels to a Scottish
golf tournament. No one in the place batted an eyelash.
I'll say this... y'know what soccer and baseball and football
are better than? Friggen baseball. You know what I love? I
love living in a big city with limited park space and--as is the
case in Central Park and Prospect Park--having 98% of the primo field
space reserved for baseball and softball from May until October.
This activity, when played casually by the public is less of a
'sport' and of more an 'exercise in socialization,' bereft of
any exercise. Bah humbug.
At any rate, I do have one gigantic problem with soccer. And a
solution for how it can be fixed. In your typical world cup
game, the following series of events occurs about once every
5-10 minutes: player X with ball is slide tackled from behind
or from the side by opposing player Y without ball. There is
(or is sometimes not) contact between player X on the giving end
and player Y on the receiving end of the slide tackle. Player
X proceeds to hit the turf, and scream and howl and grab some
part of his lower body and give the impression that he's just
blown his MCL and broken both legs with multiple compound
fractures. And then 80% of the time player X is back upright some
moments later sprinting down the field and showing the world
that he has not, in fact, just suffered career-ending injuries.
There is no honor in this. There is no competitive spirit in
this. There is only extreme lameness and embarrassment and
poor sportsmanship in this. The good news is, I have a solution:
Import the 10-second knockdown rule from boxing. If a
player cannot get up in 10 seconds, that player must sub out
of the game for at least 10 minutes. 10 seconds down, 10 minutes
out. That simple. Players who are truly beat up get a rest
and don't risk further injury. Those who are goldbricking a
major catastrophe are penalized. This rule would instantaneously
solve soccer's drama problem. Simple as that. Trust me.
...as a compromise, I'd be willing to accept players getting
penalized with accruing yellow cards and suspensions *after* matches
are over by governing leagues which review all feigned-death-by-slide
tackle-and-miraculous-recovery incidents. But I'd prefer the 10-second rule.
OK, that's it. Sorry Poland. Go Ivory Coast.
The only thing missing from this picture? Randy Neumann callin'
out, "One!... Two!... Three!..."
