Be Great, Alexander. Be Great.

Monday night football. Before we get to fantasy implications...

If you do not read Bill Simmons on espn.com, make a habit of
reading Bill Simmons on espn.com. It will improve how you feel
and your outlook on life. He's establishing himself as the
Mark Twain of comedy writers. Sports and pop culture are his
chosen vehicles for column-writing, but that's beside the point.
An excerpt from his Friday NFL-predictions, spoofing the
ever-changing country song MNF on ABC has been running this
NFL season:

Chad Johnson did a special dance in the Steel City
J.P. Losman murdered the Bills once again, it's such a pity
In Minnesota the Ewing Theory replaced the Sex Cruise
In Baltimore Billick sees Boller and thinks about booze

Harrington gunned down Matt Millen in the locker room
Vick went into Carolina and he lowered the boom
Because I like it, I love it, I want some more of it
I try so hard, I can't rise above it.
Don't know what it is 'bout the pushin' and the shovin'
But I like it, I love it, I want some more of it

At any rate, I'm going to get this guy's most recent book
signed on Thursday. I plan on asking him to write something
self-ingratiating in it like, "I'm the Bill Shakespeare of
Sportswriters" or "I'm Bill Simmons, and I'm a National
Treasure." The book is about the Red Sox and the "sport"
of Major League Baseball, which I am caring less and less about
by the 'Carlos Delgado to the Mets for three guys in the stands'
day.. so I might not even read the thing. The columns on
espn are the real gems.

Back to fantasy. My season has blown chunks. From Jamal
Lewis turning in ONE worthy performance, Michael Clayton
turning in NO worthy performances, Issac Bruce's turf toe,
Stephen Davis's Robocop knee, Peyton Manning allowing the
defense to steal his spotlight for the first five weeks,
etc., etc., its been a long and unsuccessful affair.
Ironically, I'll still be able to limp into my league's
playoffs at 5-7-1 if Shaun Alexander outperforms Brian
Westbrook tonight (and not because Shaun or Brian are on my
team... this is about another guy loosing). Vegas would
probably give me 25-1 odds on this, but the fantasy winds of
strange fate and fortune blow hard, and I wouldn't be shocked
if Shaun missed the first half because he locked himself in
the team's hotel bathroom.

But I feel good about the playoffs if I can sneak in tonight.
Peyton is on fire. Mike Anderson is fairly dependable. The
matchups for my receivers are good. The Ds and my kickers
are solid. Lets keep our fingers crossed.

Earlier in the season I had been predicted a Broncos vs.
Panthers Superbowl. I am now officially changing that prediction
to:

Colts: 45 NFC Team: Less than 45 points.

***UPDATE***

Shaun Rumbled for 2 TDs and the Eagles looked like the worst
team in the NFL. I'm officially in the playoffs, and going against
Phil Whitmam from Buffalo, NY this Sun. My player matchups are
ridiculously favorable this week, and I think I have a great
shot at winning. This will be rough for Phil. Four consecutive
Super Bowl losses in the 90s aside, fate will be cruel once again
for this fan from Buffalo. From last week's real-world collapse on
a last second TD from the unstoppable SAGE ROSENFELS, to
fake-world defeat at the hands of my 5-7-1 squad I renamed after the
NBA team that fled Buffalo, a level 8.5 stomach punch is headed
westward on I-90 at breakneck speed. But again, Phil belongs to a
tortured class, and should be used to these by now. Strap a
leatherstocking helmet on the Wrigley Field Billygoat, and you'll
find that critter playing pigskin on the eastern shores of Lake Erie.